Regrettably, there are many people around us who mistakenly think that loving someone means sacrificing and dedicating for the other person, without complaint or regret, and after breaking up, they will do some things that hurt the other person, and argue that it is “because I love you so much. like that”. What is even more surprising is that many people actually follow this practice. Why is it acceptable to say “hurt each other because of love“, which is clearly contrary to common sense?

Generally speaking, what people call “love” is a mixture of two elements: one is that you want the person you love to be happy, so you will give it generously;

Scholars refer to the former as “love” and the latter as “attachment”. If my thoughts and actions are not only for me but also for the other person’s sake, that is love; but if not, but put my own needs first, that is attachment.

Do ordinary people know how to distinguish between love and attachment?

American Illinois State University psychologist Raymond. Raymond Bergner made many versions of the love story for the test takers. However, in each version, he omitted one of the many factors of love (working hard for the other person’s happiness, trust, respect, intimacy, etc.). The results of the study found that people believe that love is not considered love if there is no special effort for the other’s happiness among the various factors. The researchers pointed out that this shows that the core of “love” is generally believed to be the pursuit of the other’s happiness. So where does the rationale for “making the other party suffer or misfortune because of love” come from?

“The bravest thing I did for love was to break up” 30 crazy stories about love

I once discussed with my friends why the excuse of hurting the other party because of too much love is justified. A friend thought: “Love should not be about attachment and bondage, but about wishing for the other party’s happiness, isn’t it?” That is to say, in the name of love, Isn’t hurting the other party just revenge on the other party because one’s own desires are not satisfied? Doing so is just to reduce your own loneliness, or to use the other party in order to exert some influence. It is true. But it seems that many people still think that it is understandable to unilaterally show their desires; or think that they can express their emotions to each other at will, and think that this is love, which is really embarrassing.

When life is trapped in such a dilemma of “without someone, I will die in pain”, regardless of whether the other person is good or bad, suitable for you, or whether you will be happy together, before that, you have put You don’t live like a person anymore, how dare others be with you?

If you stick to a form and think that you have to use certain methods to be happy, then that is not called happiness, it is just It’s just that it doesn’t hurt anymore; but on the other hand, if what you value is not the form, but the atmosphere when you get along and the feelings of both parties, then even if you don’t do anything special, the relationship will come naturally.”

Of course, most people also know that attachments are not good and that they make them suffer, but the problem is that they cannot let go! I don’t know how many people have asked me: “How do I let go?” The frequency of this question is probably second only to “What is he/she thinking?”.

Why can’t we let go? Why do you care about someone so much? Why do you know that you have to move forward and let yourself move forward, but you just can’t forget it?

The answer to this question, , is hidden in your “needs”.

In the early days, when our studio explained “needs”, we would use “want” as a contrast. At that time, we thought: “Need is “I won’t be happy if I get it, but it will be very painful if I don’t have it”; wanting is “It doesn’t matter if I don’t have it, but I will be very happy if I have it.”

Later, I found that such a statement is not accurate, and it is likely to cause readers and students who have followed us from the past to feel guilty about their own needs, so I decided to overthrow myself here:

“Need” is not a bad thing. As long as people live, they will continue to have various needs. For example, we need food, water, and air to be alive; we also need a sense of security, belonging, and love for our spiritual health; and we need a sense of freedom and contribution to realize ourselves.

When our needs are met, we will feel joy and happiness; on the contrary, when our needs cannot be met, we will feel sad, lost, and miserable.

Understanding your own needs is a must in order to create a happy life. Only when we clearly know our own needs can we better meet ourselves.

Then why do we say that attachments are hidden in needs?

There are two reasons for this: one, anyone we can’t let go of has met a need of some sort we don’t know what it was at one time, and two, people mistake the other person for their own needs.

Our feelings of liking or disliking people have a lot to do with our own needs. If the other party meets our immediate needs, we will feel happy and think that the other party has been a great help, caring, and gentle, but if the other party does not meet our needs and instead adds to the chaos, we will treat such behavior get bored.

Everyone’s needs are different at every moment, but the more we don’t know how to satisfy our needs on our own, the more we will have a good impression of them once they are met by others.

But we may not be able to clearly realize what the other party satisfies us. We only know that we are happy when we are with the other party, so we have the illusion that “the other party is very special”. And this special level will increase with the number of needs that the other party can satisfy at the same time.

I have had this experience myself: the other person simultaneously satisfies my needs for companionship, support, listening, caring, growth, sense of worth, fun, acceptance, care, security, respect, trust, attention, warmth, security, and contribution. This number is incredible, and I didn’t know the concept of “need” at the time, so I always felt that the other party was the most special, important, and most suitable person in the world, and it took a long, long time to finally come out .

If I look at this matter with the concept of “Destined Woman” or “Destined”, then it may be a question of whether I can think about it in this life. But if I use the perspective of “needs” to deconstruct the so-called “special person”, things will become very clear.