Goodbye Sadness: How to Feel Happier
“What happens outside is never responsible for our inner state of mind.The real and only responsible is our mental attitude towards what happens” so life coach Alessandro Cozzolino explains how to deal with that feeling of unhappiness that too often let’s try. On the occasion of the World Day of Happiness, here are 10 things to remember to face life in a positive and serene way.
We are constantly bombarded by media messages that tell us that we can only be happy under certain conditions: if we are thin, in pairs, with a successful job … This leads us unconsciously to chasing models that perhaps do not belong to us, but to which we aspire just because others do it, just because they are widely shared. In reality, happiness is intimate and personal, and each of us can be so if we truly discover what we want deep down. We talk about it with life coach Alessandro Cozzolino who explains why and what makes us feel unhappy, how to reverse this trend, freeing ourselves from homologation and aiming at the goals that really make us joyful and satisfied.
Where does that feeling of unhappiness that can affect our mood come from?
“The worst enemy of our happiness is ourselves. A little ‘because we have been induced and used to always look at others first and a little’ because we have difficulty observing our depths. The comparison is continuous, constant. That thing is better than the other, she’s thinner than me, he has more money, and so on. No one has ever told us that in reality we are all on a scale: if you look up you will see who is more on you, if you look down you will find those below. Also, the thing so absurd and ridiculous is that happiness seems to hide in a set of rules and if you do not follow you can never experience it, as I wrote in my ebook “To be happy it takes balls!”. We live in a world where, to be satisfied, for example, we must have a beautiful home, a breathtaking body and a confident and captivating personality. After a certain age we have to enjoy a marriage that is booming, with children who at nine years already speak English and Chinese better than own language; moreover we must work and produce as much as possible. We have become the society of “doing” and we have completely forgotten to “be”. And then it is not surprising that we are depressed and if we feel inside an inner void that grows more and more. What other people think of us and what society requires us to follow is worth much more than what we are and we really want. Being happy is our nature, it is our right, but we have forgotten it. We think that happiness is something to “buy”, to “tow”, to “hire”. Instead it’s like a muscle, it’s just trained. And the best coach is our interiority, just as our best teacher is our last mistake “.
Why and when do we feel unhappy?
“It happens when we give space to the ego and allow it to drive our lives. It is the ego that lives in each of us the main cause of our discontent, because that part of us is always unfulfilled, never satisfied, if not for a very short time. The ego is a judge that never stops to sentence, often in a negative sense, making us feel that we are not up to it and that we are never enough. It also often gives importance to things, events and people more than necessary, creating attachments and addictions, completely unaware of the impermanent nature of all that exists and that we live. It is always the ego that sticks to the past and looks forward to the future, drifting away from the present moment, the only real moment and the only real opportunity to be happy. In short, we feel unhappy when we let him do all this. The good news, though, is that we are not our ego. The ego is the child of imposed and induced mental constructions with which we have grown up, not with whom we are born, therefore it is not what we are inwardly “.
Is unhappiness something that happens or a choice?
“Many of us want everything, immediately and effortlessly, which is practically impossible and unnatural. Having neither the desire nor the courage to take hold of the reins of his life, they end up punctually with being unhappy, which is the shortest and most comfortable way that everyone undertakes and of which all then complain. There are certainly things and events that cause pain and are unavoidable. They are part of that package that we call life, but they are never insurmountable. What happens outside is never responsible for our inner state of mind. The true and only responsible is our mental attitude towards what happens. That’s why in Coaching we train our mind to think differently, more effectively. By changing the quality of our thoughts, we automatically transform the quality of our life. Because, on balance, life happens in our head. It is our perceptions that create reality, and not vice versa. Therefore we must be aware of the fact that most of the time our mind lies there, it deceives us. So there is a choice to make every single moment of our existence: either we let our thoughts govern us or we decide to direct them. And this is a decision that changes your life “.
How much do the happiness models offered by the media affect?
“The media as a child led us to believe that we would hardly be happy without that product, that drink, that object. The most common mistake is to believe that happiness is the one described in all these messages with which we grew up. That’s why most of us are anything but happy. True happiness is something extremely personal. You and only you know what is yours “.
Why is it so difficult to get rid of the imposed patterns of happiness and find the ability to look inside to find out what we really want?
“The human being is a social animal that likes the pack and is therefore inclined to follow the mass by its nature. We do all the same things only out of fear of being labeled as strange, different. Yet, on closer inspection, there are not a few strange and different ones who are really happy for what they are. People are afraid to look inside. He is afraid of what he does not know. Better that X product or that Y brand sponsored on TV that everyone has. It is easier and faster to buy something to own it and seem to be someone, than working on itself to become and bring out what you really are. Too bad that easy is not always synonymous with happy and fast is not synonymous with lasting “.
What is the way to reverse this trend and avoid falling into the traps of unhappiness?
“Unlearning is much harder than learning. If we have been raised with certain ideas, beliefs and mental paradigms, it is necessary to begin to question them, to think (and therefore to act) in a different, new way. It is therefore necessary a “training” of the mind. First of all, it is essential to downplay the idea that we are always missing something to be fully happy. The human being is born happy already, simply because it is born in love. The word love comes from the Latin amors (a-mors), literally “without death”. We have not only completely forgotten it, but we have also ruthlessly defaced its meaning. Love we want to find it, receive it and keep it. But it does not work like that. Love is a verb, it is done. It is not something that is sought, bought, found, traded. Love, unlike the ego, is our true nature. It is already within us, we just need to let it emerge and flow. First of all towards ourselves and then towards the neighbor. It is mistakenly believed that love can or should exist only and exclusively in the presence of a partner, of a family, of children to whom to give it. And this is a very serious mistake. Love is that part of us that should be shared with everyone, because it is the instrument through which each of us for an instant becomes immortal. Try to smile at a stranger, make a gesture of heart at random, to hand out compliments and kind words to anyone around you, or simply to thank raising your hand in recognition when someone gives you priority in the street. Try and try again. But without return expectations. Just do it. Then you will see for yourself the effect it does “.
How do you find out what makes us really happy?
“Most people delegate someone else to decide for themselves and their happiness, or copy and imitate what they think has made someone else happy. That’s why there’s so much unhappiness around. Happiness, on the other hand, consists precisely in discovering what makes us happy. It is a path, not a destination. And only we ourselves can follow it. We can not experience happiness by following someone else’s directions. I always repeat to my clients: “Do not listen to those who tell you what to do to be happy. Listen to yourself. Only and only you know what is best and most just for your happiness “. Our emotions are a great compass and unequivocally tell us if we are on the right track or not. Experiment, put a little ‘disorder in the order of daily routine, change destination, discover the world by doing different things every day. Only in this way can we free the happiness that is within us “.
In practice, how do the objectives that make us happy emerge and come true?
“Silencing our very bad internal judge who punishes us, punishes us, makes comparisons and humiliates us is the necessary condition to give voice to our natural interiority that can show us the way. Most of us are not and do not do what they really want. It is limited to being and doing what others (parents, society, husband, partner, boss, religion …) want it to be and what it does. And when you do things just to please others and to please them, most of the time they are all happy and happy. Except you. We need to start talking inwardly in a more effective and above all kinder way. The ego shoots judgments continuously, not rarely against ourselves. We focus more on our limits or defects than on our qualities. And when suddenly the idea of reaching a certain goal flashes through our minds, the first ones to carve their wings are us. We invent excuses, we tell lies, just to stay in that “comfort zone” where we wallow, but that of comfortable, on closer inspection, does not have anything.
Following what moves us must be the priority. The secret is there. Then it matters little whether the others approve or not, like it or not, will support us or not. True success is not what makes the public happy, big or small. Real success is the ability to make things happen. This is why we must ask ourselves: “What do I really like?” “What moves me?”, “What makes me rejoice?”, “What is that energy I have inside that can not wait to emerge out?”, ” How can I realize it and realize it? “. Everyone has the answer for himself. Yet most people, unfortunately, are afraid to listen to it. Perhaps only because they do not know that in reality there is never reason to be afraid of fear. In fact, reflect us: either you save your life or it’s a lie. “